All We Have Is Now Part 2

(Photo credit: All Seasons Photography)

“Every one of us is looking

In a place where peace won’t find us there

Every one of us is wanting

Something amazing that's in between

The living and the dying

All we have is now”

"Mommy, can I have a snack"? "Hey honey! What's for dinner"? "Mom, have you seen my..." 

Motherhood is a hood nobody prepared for me. How could they? Sometimes, in the midst of all the chaos and demands, I have found myself looking....wanting. Wondering if I missed something amazing. Curious as to who I could have become had I never said yes to this role. Somewhere in the "in between", I feared I overlooked something. 

Could I have been this emergency room doctor with her perfectly quaffed hair that never seems to tangle and her white coat that always seems to hug her waistline just right? I could see myself walking around the hospital with my snake skin 6 inch stilettoed shoes that are incapable of killing my feet. The sound of my shoes feel like power with every rushed step.

Could I have been that talented, yet distant rock star performer that makes singing whistle notes look like child's play? I could stare out into the crowd of hundreds and yes, even thousands, as they sway in a poetic rhythm to MY music. They fully feel the weight of every emotion with every word to every song written with these hands. 

Could I have been the mysterious, yet sexy single traveler? The one whom you never see working, yet her passport tells a story. My mind would be filled with adventure, constantly craving the smell of cities I've never been to; longing for conversations with people I have not yet met. I'd go and do as I please, bound to no one. My only responsibility would be to myself. 

Being a young mom, I'd be lying if I said the enemy never taunted me with these thoughts. You see, I was THEIR mother. I was HIS wife. Sometimes, this calling doesn't feel like MY own and I have found myself searching for peace within an identity that centers on ME. My pride tells me I am more than this. I could be a woman of power, of influence, of worth, of value....at least this is what the enemy whispers to me as I cram yet another pop tart into the toaster contemplating when the last time my hair was brushed.

In Psalms chapter 51, verse 17, His word says that “the scarifies of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise”. I have often heard this scripture used for sin and repentance. David himself in this chapter was crying out for forgiveness, a plea for God's mercy. I have always been impressed with this text. I read it with full admiration of David's ability to not look inward for solutions, but to humbling admit his need for God's intervention. He looks outwardly to a source beyond himself, knowing that a broken and contrite spirit takes full responsibility for his actions. He is fully present enough to know that outside of the mercy and goodness of God, we are not fully alive. No purpose exists outside of this covering. 

You see, my sin has been the wanting, the looking. In places where peace will not find me because my peace does not exist there. Somewhere, between the living and the dying, fear grips me that my purpose is not enough, my deeds are not enough, and I am not enough. All the while, I miss so many "now" moments. Moments where Jesus allows me to break a piece of myself to give to others. Opportunities to say, "Here, this is yours! I don't need it". When I smile at someone who runs by me on the walking trail next to my home. When I bake cookies for my neighbors or help take care of my parents. When I show up to work on time, fully giving my best or when I pick up trash off the streets. And my goodness, how many "now" moments have I missed within the four walls of MY own home? 

Recently, I have been reading this verse, asking God to fully break me so I may recognize His small goodness that surrounds me in my day to day. Recently, I have been asking God for his mercy with my sin of discontentment and asking Him to show me how to live in the NOW. Recently, I crave being fully present and fully alive. Because when I walk into Heaven, I'm coming fully broken. I'm talking messy car from being with my kids, peanut butter covered shirt, dirt in my unpolished nails, bags under my eyes type broken. More than anything, I want to be able to stand in front of Him, and say I gave it all. It didn't have to be flashy or fancy. I didn't have to have my name on a sign or a billboard. I never needed a platform and could have cared less about who thought I was significant. I took what God placed inside of me, and I broke it and gave it to others. Because all we have is now. And I for one, do not want to miss another moment because I'm too focused on what's in between the living and the dying. There is no purpose outside of now, so stop searching for it. Live and be present. Look for God in the small, in the quiet because life is fragile. We can make all the plans in the world, but nothing is certain, except RIGHT NOW!