Blended Families Part 2

We are commissioned

James 1:27 says, “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.”

Deuteronomy 10:18 says, “He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing.”

So today you will take a small glimpse into my heart. Since 2013, I have been a foster parent. As of today, I have welcomed exactly 40 children into my home, many of which I still have a relationship with today. Some have stayed for years, others only a few weeks. It is my heart and my passion to be able to open my doors to children and to play a small role in placing families back together. The bible is quite clear that as Christians, we are to care for foster children in one way or another. The call to care for them cannot really be argued or debated and it is my personal opinion that Christians should be the first ones on the front line ready and willing to open their homes to children in need. Sadly, this remains a debate amongst many believers so I thought I would write to inform anyone that the call to care for these kids is louder than ever. And before you come at me with any excuses, allow me to take a moment to put some of these excuses to rest.

“I would get too attached”

This one is probably the most common excuse I hear and honestly, it’s my favorite.

One time back in 2016, I had a little girl. To protect her identity, let’s just call her Sunshine. Sunshine had been with me for about 10 months. She had captured every last piece of my heart. She wanted to be just like me. Why? I’m not sure. But we had a connection and we just understood one another. We had plans to adopt her and her brother since she had no family willing to take her. One day, I received a call from the county that her aunt had contacted the agency and was willing to take her. In less than 24 hours after this phone call, I had two caseworkers on my door step, ready to take her and her brother to their new home. I tried my best to be encouraging; to fill her head with stories about how much fun she was going to have with her family, but we were attached to one another. The caseworkers were too late. Our hearts beated as one. And I will always remember this day as one of the hardest days of my life as two caseworkers literally had to rip her out of my arms as she screamed, “Please don’t let them take me, mommy!” Let me just tell you, it is very much possible to grieve the loss of someone who is still alive.

Why is this excuse my favorite? Because it’s so easy to put to rest. Because getting attached is literally the point. You are supposed to get attached. They need you to get attached. They are worthy of our attachment. However, over the years, I have learned to read between the lines when this excuse is thrown at me. A majority of individuals crave connection. We are wired for attachment. So when someone says, I would get too attached, it’s not the attachment they fear. They are afraid of the loss when the child goes home. They fear grieving and the emotions associated with it. Please hear my heart when I say I get that! However, you and I cannot be afraid of loss or grief. We need to be more afraid of what will happen to these kids if we do not step up. Its messy work; putting yourself and all your emotions out there for it to be so easily stepped upon. It’s not easy being vulnerable like that. If I can just encourage you for a moment to not be afraid to put all of your emotions on the line for these kids. Because Sunshine is still out there somewhere. And she knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she had a foster mother who laid aside the weight of every fear and gave it everything she had. She felt loved and you can’t put a price tag on that. Even if I could, I would count it all as gain.

“I would get too angry at the bio family”

This topic is tricky because it’s so relatable. How can you hear stories about children being abused and neglected and not become angry? I know that throughout our 8 years of being foster parents, there have been a few bio parents that I wanted to “lay hands” on. Just so I could pray for them, of course!

In June of 2019, my family grew by one. I adopted my squishy baby! And yes, before you ask, his nickname is Squishy and yes, I will call him this on his wedding day. I cried the whole time during his court hearing; feeling so undeserving of this beautiful love God bestowed upon me. All of Heaven and Earth collided to make us family. That is a humbling and beautiful thought. But allow me to take you back to a different hearing where his mother voluntarily surrender her rights to me. Before you judge her story, please take a moment to see things for her point of view. To protect her privacy, we will call her Mama. I sat across from her. Her mother was to her left and held her hand the whole time. She was shaking, no doubt nervous about the events taking place. She had been sober for nearly two years and had worked hard. So hard, in fact, she had already been awarded custody back for her two other children. She had a job, a car, and an apartment. However, since Squishy was so young when he came into care, Mama never really got the opportunity to bond with him. While Squishy knew who she was from the weekly visits that she never missed, they never got the opportunity to form a mother/son relationship. Mama knew this and on that day, she was relishing her rights not because she didn’t want him, but so he could be with the family he grew up with. This was an act birthed out of sheer love, and the tears that streamed down her face as she signed those papers proved her love for her son. Her loss was my gain and I did not take that lightly.

I say that my family grew by one, but God blessed me beyond that. My family grew by multiples on this day. Because Mama is still around. She has never missed a birthday party, a holiday, a special event, or any opportunity to visit. She is almost five years sober and crushing life. Today, she is hands down, one of my best friends. I think back to these years where we raised her kids together and often question how much I would have missed if I responded with anger instead of compassion.

I approach foster care with the mindset that I am placing families back together. That is my ultimate goal for every kid that comes into my home. I understand that reunification doesn’t always happen and sometimes, it’s not what’s best for the child, but I always go into each case with this naïve faith that God can restore anything. This faith has taught me to look at each set a parents from a different perspective. Because this is my mindset, I approach each case fully prepared for the mess. I’m going to see the worst in people because change is necessary during this process, but it is hard facing those demons. I’m going to hear stories that hurt because light must shone in order for full healing to manifest. And in those moments, where I take time to listen, this is main thing I have learned. NOBODY, except for a few, SETS OUT TO HURT THEIR KIDS. Most do not wake up with these intentions. I have learned that it’s quite the opposite. Most want to be a good parent, but situational factors like addiction, poverty, mental illness, lack of support and services, bad mindsets, etc. all stand in the way. Throughout this process of unpacking all the layers, I get to be a voice of hope and encouragement that healing and restoration is possible. I get to help the family fight! So I understand, it’s easy to be angry at that stories you hear, but it’s important to remember that if we honor the birth family, we honor the child. If we disgrace the birth family, the child will inherently learn that they are bad too. I am not fighting the bio parents, but I’m fighting years of generational demons that have been handed down throughout the bloodline. Those demons get all of my anger and I do not back down from a fight. You have to know your enemy.

“I want to foster, but my spouse does not support me”

I hear this a lot too! In fact, it’s the only one I’ve heard that is somewhat valid. When Phil and I decided to step into the world of foster care, we were both 100% in agreement that this something we needed to do. If your spouse is not in agreement with it, I would definitely recommend that you DO NOT proceed forward. If you do, the tension will build, frustration will be high, and ultimately your marriage and the kids you bring in will pay the price. Making the decision to blend your family is huge, and it is VITAL that you and spouse take time to communicate all the good, the bag and the ugly. Be sure to really hear one another and take their thoughts into consideration.

If you and your spouse do reach an agreement, then it’s important that further details are discussed. What type of kids are looking for? Will you accept teenagers? Will you accept babies? Will you accept kids with a record? Are you emotionally stable enough to accept kids who were victims of sexual abuse? How many kids are you willing to take? Do you only want boys? Will you take kids with disabilities or a terminal illness? These are all questions that need to be discussed and considered before stepping into the world of foster care.

If it turns out that you and your spouse cannot reach an agreement on any of these issue, but deep down, you still feel the call to help, you’re in luck. I saved the final piece of this article to list seven ways you can help kids in foster care.

“7 ways to help care for kids in foster care”

1.      Transportation. Kids in foster care have a lot of appointments between doctor visits, therapy, family visits, and so on. Offer to drive the kids to some of these appointments. During the drive, give the child an opportunity to talk about anything and everything.

2.      Respite Care. Yes, it is very possible to become a respite provider for foster children. A respite provider will take foster kids temporarily like over a weekend. Not only is this extremely helpful for foster parents, but can give foster children an opportunity for a weekend get-away. And you can spoil them rotten!

3.      Lunch dates. Take them to a local or far-away restaurants and let them order whatever they want. Make sure you get them ice-cream to follow up that meal.

4.      Shoes and Clothes. 95% of time, foster children arrive with nothing except the clothes on their back. While the county helps a little with clothing, it’s typically not enough and a lot of their clothes are second hand. This can be rough when it’s a teenager, because let’s be honest, kids can be mean. I always encourage people to offer this as a means to help kids in the system.

5.      Sports. Some, not all, of the kids coming into the system play sports for the 1st time. Sports are wonderful outlet and can even serve as a form of healing. You can form relationships with these kids and take them to a local park and practice some type of sport them.

6.      Special skills. Do you have a special talent? Can you cut hair, play an instrument, woodworking? Offer one of these services to kids in foster homes for free to give them an outlet for the many emotions that fill their heads.

7.      Show up. It’s really that simple. Show up, be a presence, and love without an agenda.

I hope this article has helped someone. If you have been feeling called to start foster care, or to help in some way, please consider this your sign. I wouldn’t trade my foster care license for anything in this world. My days are crazy, but I’m walking into Heaven knowing I’ve raised an army. The load may be heavy, but there is an abundance of fruit!