Relationships Part 2

Relationships are hard. They are worth it but they are hard. From friendships to romantic partners to parents and children, they all come with unique issues that will require time and effort. No one ever really prepared me for that. The level of compromise required to make them work. The amount of effort needed to keep them healthy. If you have a relationship that you want to maintain it is going to take constant and consistent tending to. There will be no off season or break from it. Even with parents and children. As your kids grow up you simply take on new roles in their lives. They may not need you as much for their physical well being but they will need you more than ever to navigate the emotional difficulties of young adulthood.

One of the most, if not THE most, important thing that I have learned will negatively impact any type of relationship is the unspoken expectation. There are two types of unspoken expectations. One is basic. The other is deep. Most of the basic ones could be resolved quickly with just a little communication. You get mad because your spouse didn't take out the trash when the can was obviously full. Say something about it. It doesn't have to be mean or confrontational. Just a simple, "Hey, when you see the garbage can is full could you take the trash out and put a new bag in the can?", should be enough. When it is left unspoken and you allow the aggravation to build as you wonder why your significant other just left the trash for you to take out, it becomes a bigger problem. Communication can solve a majority of issues around relationship expectations. The deep ones are harder because we might not recognize that we even have them. 

Many of us subconsciously carry needs/wants that we desire to have filled. Often we try and fill those holes inside with the people we carry on relationships with. For example, say you have a brother or sister that you have a strained relationship with. Perhaps you find a friend that you use to fill that sibling bond in your life. It was something you unconsciously wanted because you have a sibling but the needs you had for that particular relationships weren't being met so you find and attach to another person. You take all of those unmet expectations and place them onto that individual. You don't openly tell them you have done this. You may not even recognize that you have done it. But you use them to fill the need all the same.

The danger comes when the person you have positioned as a need/want filler in your life unknowingly fails to meet those unspoken desires. What if that person you think of as a brother/sister fails to do what you expect a brother/sister to do? Your feelings get hurt. You feel betrayed. Yet the other person has no idea that they've even done anything to you. How could they? You never told them about any of these feelings. You've never expressed to them that you see them as your sibling and as such you have certain expectations of them and how they should treat you. 

I've done this many times in my life.

The biggest relationship to be hit with my unspoken expectations has obviously been my marriage to Felicia. There have been so many times that I reacted emotionally about things without stopping to consider why I was even upset. What was it exactly that made me feel so angry? As we have grown closer over the years, I have had to stop and examine the areas of my heart where I was holding on to unspoken expectations. 

The biggest one had to be my self worth. I expected Felicia to validate me. To reinforce my own self worth and value. I never told her I expected that. I was also wanting something that she just ultimately couldn't give. Yet I had this expectation that she would do that for me. So, every time she got mad at me and called me out about some bad habit or issue I had, I felt betrayed. How dare she break this contract between us! How could she make me feel so worthless!

These deep unspoken desires are like emotional minefields that we just expect others to navigate flawlessly. If you love me you will never step right there because that's where I have buried my insecurity over my weight. And don't step there because that's where I have buried the wound my biological father left when he denied being my father. Every fear, doubt, and insecurity we bury inside of ourselves is just another mine in the field that others have to try and navigate in the dark. Never knowing for sure when they might touch one of those sore spots and trigger us to react in irrational and emotional ways. Like the song says, Love is a Battlefield. Then when they do step in those places we get offended and hurt. All because we expect others to never touch our hidden wounds. 

For clarification she wasn't saying or doing anything unreasonable. She was fine. It was my emotional reaction because my unspoken expectations weren't being met. This also tied into my desire to please people. Part of my identity and the way I felt loved and validated came from making people happy. If I was upsetting them then my entire identity was in question. Who was I? What good was I? Why am I even here? 

The emotionally dramatic response that I completely internalized was epic. 

And ridiculous.

I was acting like a hormonal teenage girl inside. 

Not very attractive let me tell you. 

I thank God that Felicia was willing to hold on. Willing to keep pushing. She saw something in me that I never saw in myself. It has taken a long time. It has required some brutally honest self reflection. But it's working. Not only have I come to see so many of these expectations for what they truly are. I have also begun to understand the roots from which they have grown. This has allowed me to pull these issues up by the root and lay them down. I don't have to carry the weight of these things anymore. I don't have to carry the hurt of unmet expectations in my relationships anymore. 

This is freedom.

This is strength.

My identity is no longer shaken to the core if someone gets upset at a choice or decision I make. And if they do that's no longer my responsibility. While this can be taken to an extreme where I push people away that's not my goal. My desire is to see the people in my life for who they are and what they can and can't bring to the table. If there is something that someone can't give in the relationship that's okay. I won't expect it from them. I'm not going to sabotage what could be a great friendship because they can't give what they don't have!

Unspoken expectations become unmet expectations. This in turn leaves the door wide open for resentment, bitterness, and anger towards those who we feel have let us down. 

Genesis 1:27 NKJV So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

Until I recognize that my real true identity is to be found not in other people but in the one who created me, I will always try and find fulfillment in the people around me. I will always have secret unspoken expectations that will hinder the growth and health of my relationships. 

My wife can't give me my identity.

My friends can't give me my purpose.

My children can't give me my salvation.

They can be a part of those things but they cannot be the source of them. Those things can only come from the one who knew me before I was born. The one who formed and fashioned me inside of my mother's womb. The one who set the entire universe in motion. 

As we go throughout our days let us speak truth. Let speak honestly about how we feel, what we think, and what we expect. Take off the mask that so many of us wear and let's be our true authentic selves. No one is perfect. No one has all the answers. We are all a mess. Life is hard. There are ups and downs. 

But it's beautiful.

When we let go of unspoken, unhealthy, unrealistic expectations. It's beautiful. It's free. 

*SPOILER*

There is a scene in the Disney movie Soul where the main character has finally lived his dream. All he ever wanted was to be a famous Jazz musician and he gets his chance to be on stage with a legend. The performance goes incredibly well and afterward he asks now what. The singer looks at him and says we do it all again tomorrow night. He is defeated. He lived his dream and he EXPECTED to find fulfillment but it wasn't there. 

He goes home and has a moment where he starts to play his piano, not because he is trying to make it, but because he is pouring out his heart. Memories of his life from childhood to the present run through his mind. There is a shot where they show his face, tears running down his cheeks and you see it. The moment it hits him that fulfillment was there all along. Purpose was there everyday. He didn't need to be a famous jazz musician to feel alive, he just needed to live. Every moment. Every day. Seeing the beauty and the wonder of life without unspoken expectations.

I have watched and re-watched this moment of the movie many times. I have to remind myself to let go. To appreciate what's in front of me for what it is. To not expect it to give me what it doesn't have to offer. 

I am an outcast, living with other outcasts, and the mess we live in is beautifully amazing.