3 Ways to not Suck as a Wife from a Man's Perspective

This feels like a trap.

Like some kind of joke.

Hey, what would you tell your wife so that she doesn't suck?

Typically this would be a land mine that I would desperately be avoiding. However, as Felicia and I talked about these blog posts I came to have better understanding of what they were about. It's not really about pointing out flaws in women but more about revealing how men think and see things.

So, with the confidence that I'm not actually walking into a trap, here are my 3 things.

1. Don't Assume

My dad always used to say, "You know what happens when you assume right? You make an ass out of u and me." Not exactly Shakespeare but it got the point across. When you make assumptions you end up making both parties look ridiculous. Why? Because assumptions are something we make internally and never communicate. When we operate like this in life, particularly in marriage it makes everyone look foolish because we are almost never on the same page. It's hard to walk out this journey of life together if we all assume we are headed towards the same thing without communicating what we think the end goal is.

Within the context of marriage, making assumptions really is a self inflicted wound. Ladies, don't assume your husband knows what's going on with you. What is obvious to you is probably just outside of you husbands thinking. Not because we are dumb or ignoring you. We just look at the world differently and are affected by events in different ways. What triggers you immediately may be a slow burn issue for your husband and vice versa. To assume you are exactly the same on everything is to rob your marriage of the beauty that comes from two completely different people becoming one. A husband and wife are partners and will compliment each other more often than not. Where you are strong your husband may be weak and where you are weak your husband may be strong.

While you shouldn't assume us guys know what's going on with you ladies, you should also not assume we know what you expect from the marriage. All of us have different and unique childhood experiences and we often create assumptions about how marriage should be based off of those. Now, that's not necessarily bad unless you just assume your husband has the same ideas without talking to him. 

2. Don't Pretend

Don't act like everything is fine if it isn't. Us guys tend to be very practical about what we see and hear. Particularly with the day to day routine of life. If you tell us everything is fine and act like it's all okay, we will take your word for it and move on. Never having a second thought that there is something wrong. This works hand in hand with the assumption issue. You assume we will look closer and see what is so obvious to you but we will simply leave you frustrated. Trust me, I have done this to Felicia many times! 

Again, it's not because we are hard hearted towards the things that bother you. It's simply how men are wired. We don't typically go around trying to work on or fix something that doesn't give us some kind of indication of being broken. We listen for noises and feel for vibrations from car engines to see if they sound like they are running correctly. If those signs that normally indicate an issue aren't there then we don't usually open the hood to look. "If it ain't broke don't fix it" is kind of hard wired into the male brain. 

If you walk around pretending that you're okay, the marriage is okay, and all is right with the world then don't be surprised when us guys take your word/actions for it. If things aren't great then you need to be honest and direct with us. That does not mean waiting until your at the end of your rope about to snap and coming at us with anger. That will trigger our instinctual fight or flight response which will not get out of us what you are after. We will either come back at you with anger or withdraw. Approach us with honesty in a moment when things are calm and lay it out for us. That still isn't a guarantee that we won't emotionally react. When you are shattering the illusion you've been pretending so hard to protect, it's a tough pill to swallow. But that type of approach is your best shot at growing your marriage into something great.

3. Don't Give Up

Now this one is really for both the guys and the ladies who read this.

I'm not sure if you all know this or not but life isn't a fairytale. Our stories don't end right after the whirlwind of love and romance that led to our marriages. Life goes on and there will be good times and bad times. Throw a kid or seven (yes we have seven kids) into the mix and a lot of that romantic energy can get sucked right out of the relationship. 

Us guys stop doing all those cute little things that made you feel butterflies in your stomach. You ladies quit being as flirtatious as you once were. After all, your married, why should you go through the same effort you went through when you were dating. You've arrived at your destination. The perfect marriage.

The truth that the movies and romance novels don't tell you is that marriage is a relationship. And, like any relationship it takes work to keep it thriving and healthy. A great marriage doesn't just happen because you fell in love, said some vows, and started living together. It takes effort and work and it's worth every last bit of energy you put into it! 

DON"T GIVE UP!

Believe in yourself, your husband, and your marriage. It may not be the best right now but it can be.

We have been through so much in the years we've been together. Not all of it has been puppy dogs and rainbows. Some of our moments have been downright ugly. Life has punched us square in the jaw and knocked us for a loop a time or two. But the good times have outweighed the bad. And, through it all I can't imagine where I'd be without Felicia (my Wonder Woman) by my side. Yes, there were times that seemed so hard in the moment that there was no way past it. But life goes on and light has a way of always breaking through the darkest night. 

Micah 7:8 Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light.

Felicia recently told me about a study that showed the pain of period cramps is comparable to that of a heart attack. If you ladies out there can endure a heart attack every month then surely you can get through the tough moments of your marriage without breaking completely. You are strong enough to do this so don't give up!