3 Ways to not Suck as a Wife from a Woman's Perspective
Alright, ladies! Let’s talk!
I first want to start out by acknowledging my place. I, by no means, write from a pedestal. I write from experience. Your girl here has messed it up a time or two, therefore, I feel comfortable talking about this topic not because I have it all together, but because I’ve had moments where I’ve really sucked at being a wife.
In last week’s blog, we broke down a few of the differences in men and women as a way to bring about some understanding between the sexes. To recap, we spoke on how women mostly perceive the world through an emotional lens and how men mostly perceive the world through a physical lens. While our perception of the world may be different, God absolutely intended for there to be a rich intimate companionship between the two. This week, we will focus on three topics that may help you and me with issues we face as wives; spirituality, speaking their language, and sex.
Here we go…
Spirituality. I always like starting with this one because again, it is the most important. Within the Christian home, there should be clear, cut expectations on what values, morals, behaviors, and practices you plan to implement as a family and how the structure of your home is to look. This is a team effort. However, this is very easy to mess up because sometimes, within the Christian community, there can be direct pressure placed upon members of the home through this little phenomenon called Groupthink. Within this phenomenon, members strive for consensus in the group they are associated with. Individuals set aside their own personal beliefs and typically adopt the opinions and identity of the rest of the group for fear of becoming an outsider or being considered disloyal or traitorous. In many cases, people end up engaging in groupthink when they fear that their opinions or differences might disrupt the harmony of the group or suspect that their ideas might cause other members to reject them. Within these groups, the identity of the members are very similar to one another and differences are not celebrated. Because of the desire to fit into the Christian community and conform to the group, wives can sometimes demand their husbands and even their children to look a certain way, worship a certain way, speak a certain way, and pray a certain way and fellowship a certain way. When our spouses do not look like the rest of the group, we question their depth of relationship with God and our heads become fogged with questions and insecurities on their ability to walk with us. We tend to perceive the group as correct and superior and our spouses are simply not measuring up to the image we’ve created in our head on what a man should look like. This fog spills into our home and we begin to entertain thoughts that our spouse is “holding us back”.
Ladies, this is very wrong. I want to encourage you today to separate the identity of your home and your marriage from any group identity within your community. As Christians, there will be similarities with you and other Christian homes, but please understand that your husband is his own person, with his own likes, his own attitudes, and his own opinions. This should be celebrated! If you are a part of a group or community that doesn’t celebrate differences and demands your household to conform to their identity, this is the exact opposite of God’s idea for community. Remove all opinions and pressures from your husband to look a certain way. Allow creativity to flow freely and give him opportunities to share his thoughts, ideas, and passions. Because when individuals are free to be whom God created them to be and when people in groups have diverse backgrounds and experiences, they are better able to bring different perspectives, information, and ideas to the table both in the home and in the community.
1 Corinthians 12:27
Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.
Speak their language. Ladies…can we just pause here for a moment? Because by the grace of God, I have been married for almost 17 years. With everything in me, I wish someone would have taught me this and the importance of speaking your partner love language. Had I grasped this concept sooner, I could have spared my family many heartaches and misunderstandings. According to Dr. Chapman, there are five different types of love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of services, and physical touch.
Watch!
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind (Words of affirmation). Speaking kind words that build our spouses esteem and worth.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud (Acts of service). Takes the focus off of self, renounces ego and prefers service to others as oppose to service to ourselves.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs (Physical Touch). Honoring each other with our bodies, not seeking to fulfill our own satisfaction, but giving freely without keeping score or considering whether they’ve “earned it”.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth (Quality time). It’s about quality, not quantity. It's not about the amount of time you spend together but instead the quality, truth and realness of your interactions that count.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres (Receiving gifts). The always in the scripture is so important. Because whether that item is a tiny trinket from a thrift store, or a 50-foot sailboat is irrelevant. Either convey the same message: I was thinking about you when I saw this. You’re always on my mind.”
I love how God covered every version and designed individuals to be a special mixture of His love.
It is important to understand that we all communicate love differently and people have unique ways they prefer to receive love. In fact, many relationships fail because of their inability to recognize this.
I would describe my husband as an affectionate person. He isn’t clingy or needy, but physical touch is how he shows love and how he likes to be affirmed. This includes cuddling, kissing, hugging, holding hands, and so on. I did not understand this because as a child, physical touch became something it never should have been. Even as an adult, I tend to shy away from it because I sometimes fear someone will misconstrue my intentions. In fact, adults HAVE misconstrued my intentions. My brain was wired for trauma and the only thing that suffered as a result of this trauma was my marriage, i.e. trauma bond. When Phil would communicate his need or desire for my love, my brain would instantly compare him to all those people that hurt me. It felt like he was forcing me to do something, and as a grown woman, I made the stance that no one was ever going to force me into something ever again. His language was offensive to me and I saw his method of communication as an enemy that I needed to silence instead of actions that required me to respond. It took a lot of work and years of therapy, but I finally learned how to speak his language. Through all those years of withholding affection, I almost pushed away the only man who ever had pure intentions; never connecting that my trauma was processing how I perceive others. Today, I encourage you to get to know your partner and learn to speak their language. Love is the greatest language God has given us, and it is so easy to understand.
Examples of Trauma Bond:
TB: Made up of extreme highs and constant lows.
God’s love: It feels steady and stable.
TB: Their needs are more important than yours.
God’s love: Both of your needs are respected.
TB: You feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
God’s love: You’re not afraid to bring up issues.
TB: They try to control you and change you.
God’s love: You both grow separately and yet, together.
TB: You justify their negative patterns
God’s love: Healthy boundaries are prioritized
Sex. Sorry ladies, but we must talk about it. Because it’s a big deal in marriage, and a lot of marriages struggle with this topic. There are many directions we could take with this subject, but in order to keep imaginations at bay, I feel as though it’s best to not share any personal stories. However, trust me when I say, we got some funny ones.
My advice to all women will forever remain the same, OPEN UP LADIES!!
Wait, I can’t just type those words, can I? I should probably explain in further details what I’m referring to.
It simply means you need to have a talk with your spouse. When I say open up, it means communication and comprehension. It’s a two sided coin.
Phil and I are convinced that communication is the key to a healthy marriage. We have maintained the policy that we can come to each other with any question, concern or topic and we will both do our best to listen with the intent of listening, not just listening with the intent to reply. We want to be informed about each other and our marriage and not just opinionated. This is where comprehension comes in. We can communicate all day long, but we will only perceive from our ability to comprehend. When we have a pre-conceived notion about someone or a particular subject, we see what we want to see instead of seeing what’s really there. When we take the stance to not only communicate our needs, but open our hearts and our ears to comprehend the needs of our partner, this is how the physical and emotional aspects of sex collide.
Listed below is a great link with 50 sex-related questions you can ask your spouse. This is a terrific way to spark a conversation with your significant other and is an opportunity for you to air your emotions and listen with an open heart.
If you’re anything like me, maybe you feel like you can do better. Not more, but better! Our society has adapted this mindset that marriage is hard; that there are ups and downs and you just have to weather the storm. It took me many years to realize that this is garbage advice and I want to encourage you today to throw this mindset out the window. Marriage is amazing! Marriage is easy. Sure, there will be trails, but even those should be embraced with a certainty that you two can do anything together. Phil always looks at me and says, “As long as I have you!” It’s his way of reminding me that we’ve decided on togetherness and we are in this forever.
Because of this, I have to do better! I have to go hard because it is so worth it! Your family is your greatest team. Show up for them and don’t suck! I’m rallying for you today!
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