5 Ways to not Suck as a Husband from a Man's Perspective
All that said, I do not claim to be a relationship expert. However, I am a man and a husband that has had to learn from many, many, many mistakes! I am going to be leaning into that experience as I write this list. I'm also going to do it a little different and make this a countdown to what I feel/believe is the most important thing we can do. That doesn't mean that the first four things on my list are unimportant, they for sure are, but there is one thing above all that I believe will help us guys not suck the most.
Some of you may like this list and really appreciate it. That is great and if you feel like I've missed something feel free to share your thoughts in a comment and let us know! Anyway, enough with the chit chat, let's get to it!
5. COMMUNICATE
There is a classic relationship book called "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus". The primary take away from that book is that men and women think and communicate differently. Often it's as if we are from two totally different planets. Many times this struggle to communicate results in fights and arguments. Not because women are trying to be difficult but because they are talking like women and us guys don't understand the fullness of what they are trying to say. The opposite is true as well. Guys, we cause women numerous headaches because we think we've said all there is to say about something and the lady is left standing there more confused than ever. The truth is we can't talk to women the same way we talk to "the guys". Things that are inherently understood by other men don't make sense to women. Guys, learn how to have a conversation with your wife. Take the time to learn how to hear her and what she is trying to say. Learn how to say things to her in a way she finds helpful and uplifting. Another good book to read on this is "The Five Love Languages". Knowing how your spouse expresses love and receives love could be a game changer for you. Knowing how you express and receive love could do the same. IF you get the communication solid, you can weather any storm together.
4. KNOW YOURSELF
Do you really know who you are? I didn't know myself for a long time and it hurt my marriage. I found myself trying to find my true identity from my wife and it was something that she just couldn't give me. She could see the potential inside of me. Glimpses of the man I could be if ever figured out who I was deep inside of myself but she couldn't take me there. There was no magic word she could speak over me and POOF I'd be the man of her dreams. I mean in some sense I already was that man, I just needed to figure it out for myself. When we aren't sure of ourselves and we walk in insecurity we send our wives signals and indications that we aren't to be trusted. The bible says that a double minded man is unstable in all of his ways. For a long time that was me. I was always being tossed back and forth by the storm inside of myself. My doubts and insecurities created a divide between me and my wife because she could never be certain of which Phil she was going to get. At any moment my mood could shift or change and we could go from having fun to fighting in an instant. I've learned a lot over the years about who I truly am. And I no longer search for the security of my identity from my wife. This has helped me to stand firm during those inner storms. I am no longer tossed so far back and forth. I'm not saying I don't have moments but they are fewer and further apart. Which has allowed my wife to trust me in ways she never did early on in our marriage.
3. TEAMWORK
Guys, we have to do better about being a team player in our marriages. It's not always easy. Many times we get caught up in justifying our decisions and choices. It's human nature to want to "be right". The problem with trying to be right all the time is that we start to view our wives as an enemy to be beaten or conquered rather than a teammate to work with. Sometimes it is far better to set aside our arguments about why we are right and simply ask what. What is going on right now? Why am I so upset about this? And while your asking yourself those simple questions remind yourself that your wife is on your side. She isn't against you! It may feel like she is but only because you guys have been playing two completely different games. Your trying to run touchdowns and she is trying to hit home runs. While both of those things lead to wins the rules of Football are totally different from those of Softball. Victory is accomplished through different means and when you and your wife aren't playing for the same goals then your teamwork suffers.
2. SEX
I'm going to be straight up here. Guys, our ideas of intimacy have been wrecked by pornography. Intimacy is just sex to many of us. The sad things is that there is so much more to intimacy than the physical act of sex. Our wives want intimacy in it's fullest. And, once you've had the fullness of intimacy it's what you will want as well. When we constantly come at our wives with the simplified mindset of sex as intimacy we make them feel used. And if we were honest with ourselves we reduce our wives to nothing more than a fist. Both of them are something we can use to get off. Sex can and should be amazing. It is a wonderful gift that God has given us to enjoy here on this earth within the sanctity of marriage. But it is far more than just the physical act. Guys tend to be more driven for the physical side of intimacy while women more often are drawn towards the emotional side. The real fireworks happen when those two sides are combined. Sex without emotion is selfish and unfulfilling. Emotional intimacy without physical touch can become unsatisfying and dull. The physical and emotional are both sides of the same coin. It is only valuable when they are combined into one. And at the end of the day, gentlemen, doesn't your wife mean more to you than your fist? Isn't she more than just a way for you to climax?
1. DON"T GET CAUGHT IN THE DRIFT!!!
Gentlemen, we have to lead our families. That doesn't mean we bark orders and everyone falls in line. It means we have to live intentionally. It means we have to show up every day. It means we must be intentional!!! Many of us have things we wish were different in our relationships but that's all they are. Wishes. If something needs to change, needs to be different, we have to do the work to make it happen. That only comes from being intentional and taking the lead. Ask questions, have conversations, and get to the root of the issues. You can't be intentional about fixing something if you don't know how it's broken. I know this. I've lived it. Allowing yourself to get caught in the drift of life. The business of the day to day. That road is easy. It's safe. There is no adventure to be had. It is a slow death of the mundane and boring. The only way to wake up to the possibilities of life is to become intentional about your days. To quote one of the best movies ever, "Adventure is out there"! All we have to do is go after it because it isn't coming after us!
God I pray that us guys get it right. That we come to recognize our shortcomings in these areas as opportunities. That we realize we can do better and be better!
Come on men!
Let's go after the adventure God has for us and our wives!
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