Blended Families Part 1

 

Family.

We throw that word around a lot without giving much consideration to what we mean or what others hear. That one word can mean so many different things to so many different people. Our personal definitions of "family" are all influenced by our experiences of it growing up. What did we see and how did we feel within our own families? For many family could be defined as broken and dysfunctional. For others it could mean safe and secure.

My definition of family has changed over the years as my experiences have caused me to rewrite the internal definition I had of family many times. One thing that has remained a constant in my definition is "family is what you make it". Some of you may not believe this. Your experience tells you that family is forever and constant. That only blood relatives are "family". That's okay. You can hold on to that. I understand where your coming from but for me family has been fluid and ever-changing. 

When I was born it was just me and my mom. My biological father was never in the picture. He rejected me as his son and wanted nothing to do with me. (On a side note there was a paternity test that showed it was 99.9% probable that I was his child). So, family was me and my mom for the first four years of my life. I have a number of memories from that time. Some good and some bad but I was mostly happy.

Then my dad came into the picture. The most vivid memory I have of him at that time was how he got me to eat spinach for the first time. Spinach from a can is gross but when he put plenty of salt on it I devoured it, lol. 

My mom got pregnant with my brother and after he was born my mom and dad got married. While they were exchanging vows in their friends backyard (it was an outdoor wedding), I was rolling down a hill in my little suit and getting grass stains all over it. Suddenly family was me, my mom, my dad, and my brother. Of course there were cousins and aunts and grandmas (never had a grandpa growing up) and a step brother and others, but those extended members of our family were never close. I rarely saw those people outside of holidays or big events. They were outside of the core of our family unit. 

My point is that from the beginning family was ever changing. Members could be added and could leave in a moment. I had an Uncle Mike who was really just a friend of my mom and dad. He was a close part of our family for a few years but things changed and he stopped coming around. Some of you may think that this was crazy and dysfunctional but it was a perfect training ground for me. I can look back and see how God was teaching me to be ready for foster care. To be prepared to blend members into and out of my future family. 

The greatest lesson I ever learned about family was from my dad. He never officially adopted me and I never even thought about being adopted so we never shared the same last name. However, I also never doubted for one moment that he was my dad. I never saw him as my stepdad. I never saw him as just the man my mom married. He was and will always be MY DAD. It's hard to even write this because I miss him so much. 

That was the lesson. Even though we didn't share the same blood or DNA. Even though we never legally had the same last name. I was his son. He wasn't a perfect man and I know that. But he did the one thing I needed him to do and that was love me unconditionally. He loved me the best he could. The best he knew how. He was and will always be my dad.

As Felicia and I have walked out our journey having children and getting into foster care that lesson has always stuck with me. As we have taken in kids who are in need of family I have done my best to love them the best I can, the best I know how. I don't have to be dad. For most of the kids that have come through our door they don't want me to be dad. That's okay. I can be Uncle Phil or Mr. Phil or whatever they feel comfortable calling me. No matter what name they give me when they walk into our home, what I will give them is my heart. No strings attached. No hoops to jump through.

Loving like that has come with pain at times. Not every child that that walks through our door is meant to stay with us forever. The path we've walked during our time as Foster Parents has been filled with twists and turns. More than once we've had social workers tell us that there was no one else that could take these kids in and then ask us if we would consider adopting. Only to have the same children removed form our home a week later because some distant relative emerged out of nowhere and was willing to take the kids in. That has been heart wrenching. But the pain we have felt having to say goodbye to family members we loved has been worth it. It's worth it because I know for at least a moment, while those children lived with us, they were given the love of a mother and father. 

This is part of the calling we are given as Christians. To love like Jesus. His love led him to the cross. He did not stop loving because of the hurt and the pain that was going to be involved. He embraced the pain because of the joy that was on the other side of the cross. The bible says that through the cross Jesus became the first born of many brethren.

Romans 8:29-30 NLT: For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And having called them, he gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory.

God has an interest in blended families because His family is blended. From every tribe, tongue, and nation, God has stitched together a family of misfits and wanderers. When we reject people God accepts them. When we push people away God embraces them. When an entire nation of God's people refused to deal with the Samaritans, Jesus himself walked through Samaria to have an encounter with a Samaritan woman. We aren't told her name in the bible but as best we can tell from the scriptures that woman became the first Samaritan Evangelist in history. Jesus knew His brothers and sisters were not just going to be called from the Jewish communities. Jesus knew the family was going to be knitted together from all peoples. 

So, what does this mean for us?

I pray we all have the courage to love like Jesus. To reach out to the very ones that everyone else has rejected. I pray that God purges us of the religious mindset that rejects different and judges the appearance. 

It's not going to be easy.

It's going to hurt at times.

But it will be worth it. Every moment. 

God is still calling His family home. Through us. Let's welcome our brothers and sisters with open arms.

Gather the outcasts!