Dear American Church Part 3

Proverbs 13:12 NLT - Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.

Church, we need to have a talk. I'm worn out and tired. In the beginning everything was great. It seemed like we were always on the same page and anytime I needed something you were right there for me. When I felt called to jump in and serve you made a space for me to get in and get busy. When I was struggling with something in my life you were the shoulder I knew I could cry on and the arms that held me.

We had some great times together. Every moment felt almost magical. There were celebrations and hang outs. We laughed with each other all the time. Even when things were hard it felt worth it because we were going through it together. I had your back and I knew that you had mine.

I'm not sure when it happened exactly but something has changed after all this time. There was a shift in our relationship.

The same concern for the condition of my heart slowly disappeared and requests for my hands increased. I went with it for a long time. Put my head down and kept working hard. There were moments where I thought things would get better. I heard talk about dreams and visions coming alive. My spirit jumped! God had been giving me visions and dreams for some time and now they could finally be birthed! But nothing happened. Just more work. More places to volunteer my time and effort.

Don't get me wrong, they were all good things. Things that were having an impact on people. They just weren't the things that I dreamed about with God in the early hours of the morning. Or the visions of what could be as I spent time in prayer. 

So, I continued deferring my hope. Pushing it off further down the road into the future. All the while thinking that maybe, someday, those dreams and visions would be given the opportunity to come forth. That sooner or later, you would finally look at me and ask, "How's your heart, what can we do to get you where God is leading you".

It's been quite a while but that day still hasn't come.

I'm still here full of dreams and visions.

Since it doesn't seem like you are interested in asking, I'm going to have to move on without you. You see my heart feels sick. Honestly, it's felt sick for quite some time. Whenever I had to push off those dreams I felt a stabbing in my chest. Every vision I tried to share that was ignored was just another wound to my heart.

All the while I kept hoping that eventually you would come and help me out. Together we would patch my heart up while giving life to what God had put inside of me. You just keep leaving me empty.

We can still be friends. A part of my heart will always be with you. And of course we will always have the memories of the good times. 

Don't worry, you'll still see my face now and again on a Sunday. I'll still give you an awkward church hug from the side. And we'll smile at each other and ask those surface questions about how we're doing. 

But the wild part of me. The part that dreams and chases God is only going to be found out in the wild places from now on. The untamed part of me has been longing for a wilderness adventure that you just can't give me inside the four walls of a building. There are mountains to climb, rivers to swim and my soul needs to go. My spirit is jumping write now as I write these words with the anticipation of the possibility of adventure!!! 

It's time for my heart to be made well. I need the God of all creation and I know that the only place to find him is out there. He keeps reminding me that the veil tore. He left the building and now, He is calling me to leave it as well. 

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. I believe God will bless your hard work and effort. I just hope that you can pray for me while I'm out taking a walk with God. 

With Love,

The Outcasts