The Dad Struggle Part 1

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I failed again.

I lost my temper.

I can't even tell you how many times I've done it this week alone.

I'm trying to be more patient and understanding but the stress I feel keeps building over and over until I emotionally erupt.

I saw the pain in my children's faces as I yelled.

I failed again.

I told my wife I'd finish hanging those pictures and get the new light installed in the living room. 

It's all still sitting on the floor where I left it yesterday.

I just feel so tired that I don't want to get up and do it.

Tired all the time.

I shouldn't feel like this.

At least I don't think I'm supposed to.

I failed again.

I hate this cycle and I want to change.

I have so much I need to do.

I have to provide and protect and support and coach and build and play and know and be strong and be soft and wrestle and hug and affirm and coach and lift up and maintain and stay steady and be stable and cool and calm and collected and fit and healthy and dashing and romantic and successful and energetic and whatever else gets thrown at me next and and and and and...

And I failed again.

I barely made it through the day. 

I'm not crushing life, life is crushing me.

Most of the time I just want to sit and distract myself from my failures.

Watch tv.

Play video games.

Anything to keep my mind off of the failure.

Keep me from thinking about how I'm not getting it all done.

Even when I do distract myself I feel guilty.

I know I just wasted so much time.

I failed again.

I should have been more productive.

I should have finished that project.

I should have played more with the kids.

I should have gotten the yard work done.

I should have made that phone call.

I should have... 

I should have...

Is this it?

Is this what the rest of my life is going to be?

God help me!

My tombstone is going to say "Here Lies Phil, He should have done more".

Or maybe it will just say "He failed Again".

I see the magazines and read the blogs.

All the glittering images of successful men.

Famous men.

They wake up early and exercise for an hour.

They eat healthy foods for every meal.

They get all their work done by noon.

They have multiple businesses that are making millions.

They never talk about struggling like this.

They never say anything about mistakes.

I failed again.

I don't talk to anyone about this.

I bury it all deep inside hoping it will just go away.

The shame.

The guilt.

The despair.

I wonder if everyone would be better off if I wasn't around.

If I wasn't standing in their way.

How can I lead my family when I feel so lost myself?

Do any other men feel like this?

Is there anyone else that struggles with the belief that they are failing?

It feels lonely inside my mind.

I feel like the only one faking a smile as I face another day.

I'm afraid.

Terrified.

I'm going to fail again.

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