The Mom Struggle

 

Written By Special Guest Blogger: Jessica Walriven

So I was asked, well maybe I volunteered myself, to team with Felicia on the topic of the struggles of being a mother. So many things came to mind when we decided on this topic. As a mother I could speak on the joys of hearing your child’s laughter, the peace you get when all of your kids are safe and home together under one roof after a long busy week. I could speak about the pride you have when your child gets Student of the Week. On an on! However, I don’t feel like that is where God is wanting me to take this. It's easy to speak about all the good. Let’s be real, there is so much happiness being a mother brings you.

I want to speak about the struggles we have as mothers. I can only speak on my own personal struggles and hope that at some point you can look at this and relate. I pray it encourages you, that you are not alone, and we are all in this together.

Failure

Motherhood started for me after what felt like a billion years of trying. In all actuality, it was 4 years. I finally had my bundle of joy and right away motherhood hit me like a ton of bricks. I was trying to breast feed and do what I thought was best for my baby and my body decided it wasn’t going to produce milk. So every time my daughter looked at me she would cry. All she knew was that she was hungry and wasn’t getting fed. It was at that point I felt the first real feeling of being a failure at motherhood. I spoke with six different lactation specialist and did everything I knew to do and still nothing. Not only did I feel like a failure because I couldn’t provide my child with what she needed the way society told me was the best way. I also felt like my husband, my mother and my other mom friends would think I just couldn’t hang on or that I gave up too early. It was pure devastation. In reality no one was even thinking those thoughts. It was literally all in my head. After a few days, after we came home, my husband “put his foot down” and said we needed to give her formula because I was being too hard on myself and he could see my struggle.

Loneliness

I have been a stay at home mom for 10 years now. Being a stay at home mom comes with so many challenges. The biggest one for me has been loneliness and the fear of the future. I literally had no hobbies. If someone would ask me what do you do for fun my answer would be, “Um… I’m a mom, my kids are my hobby.” While I know this is a commonly used saying, it was really just a front for me. It’s really just me saying, “I am lonely. Please help me.” I feel like all I have is my kids (and my husband of course). Therefore, I don’t know what else to do but to throw myself completely into their lives. I’m their mom; they cannot tell me to leave them alone. For the past 10 years I have had a child every day all day home with me. I longed for time with other adults. We do foster care and even when a case worker would come to the house I would actually love it because I would have another adult to talk to. Honestly, even in a room full of people I would still feel lonely because I almost forgot what it was like to be around other adults. And God forbid if the kids were at a baby sitter or friends. I would be so worried if they were okay. I am learning to take a step back now. While I am still a stay at home mom, I am learning the importance of taking time to be with other adults. We as mothers need connections with other adults.

Insecurity/ Judgement

I am going to be completely honest here. I am guilty of judging mothers before I was one myself. And in all realness even after I had my first child. I was going to do this better. I was going to do that better. I would never to this. Boy was I in for a rude awakening when I had my second. He threw me for a loop. All he did was cry. So guess what, he was held. A LOT. He got his way more than I would like to admit. My daughter calls him “The Chosen Child”. Then we adopted our wild one, Gabriel. I promise once he came along everything I ever knew or believed went out the window. Do I really care that his outfit doesn’t match? Is it really that important that he had more snacks than real food today? Did he watch too much TV today? I am asking all of that to say this…

 The Jessica, mother of one, would have went crazy with all of these questions. But, the Jessica of 3, 4, 6 or 9 takes these questions with a grain of salt. As mothers we need to remember that not one of us has this thing completely figured out. The sad reality is people are going to judge you. Not everyone but some. Like I said earlier, walking out this thing called motherhood and sitting on the side lines are completely different. Even other mothers will judge you. It’s okay. You are going to be okay. Your child is going to be okay. Some may pretend but we all feel lost at some point or another. I mean we are in charge of another human. It would be arrogant to not feel insecure at times.  I have messed up a lot and I like to think I still have some pretty amazing, God-loving kids.  Remember to take a breath and remind yourself you are doing the best you can. And if you happen to be someone that is judging other mothers remind yourself that this is a tough job. Each child comes with their own set of challenges. We cannot and should not judge another mother for any reason. We do not know what they may have been through that day. We are hard enough on ourselves. We need to build each other up and straighten each other’s crowns!

Fear/ Anxiety

Years ago I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. On top of that half of my children went through a very traumatic situation that in turn has led them to have to see therapists and even a few have been medicated for their own anxiety. This has only increased my anxiety as a mother. To have your children go through something that is so awful and you cannot do anything at all to take away their pain is the worst. So my fear is will something like this happen again? Are they ever going to fully be okay? Do they blame me? Do they feel safe? Every mother has their own worries and fears. And each one of them are valid. We are allowed to worry about our kids. All we can do is pray and pray some more. Teach our kids to be brave. Teach our kids that things happen and we may not know why but we have to learn and grow from our experiences. We just cannot let that fear consume us. We cannot let that fear negatively influence how we raise our kids or influence how our kids see this world.

Pressure

Can I ask a question here? Why as mothers do we put so much pressure on ourselves to be that crafty, outside playing, make this the time of their lives kind of mom? I swear every summer I have a plan to do so many things. A reading schedule, a weekly hiking trip, lots of camping trips and crafts all the time. Then when I don’t do all of these things or I miss something I feel like I am ruining their summer. Like that is what they are going to remember. I don’t know why we as mothers act like it is our duty to not only clean, cook, make sure our kids stay alive while dad is at work, but we also feel like its our job to make sure they are entertained or have the “best memories”. Let’s be honest did your mom put freshly baked pies on the window seal for you to smell and come running in for a snack? Did your mom do crafts with you every single day? Or did you go out and make forts or play barbies? Maybe you made delicious mud pies or rode bikes all day. Seriously, we put so much pressure on ourselves but if we took a second to think back at our favorite memories of our parents, we find it is not in the forced routine. It’s the spur of the moment family trip to the ice cream shop. It’s the random movie nights. Traditions are awesome. I’m not saying we shouldn’t have them. I’m saying if we just don’t have time to make that birthday cake and we have to buy from the store, or if we are just not feeling up to crafts that day or whatever you may feel pressured to do, it’s okay.  It really truly is okay.

Conclusion

Remember to take time for yourself and don’t worry yourself with the little things. Let your kids know you love them. Keep them alive another day. And don’t judge others. Moms, you’re rocking this thing called Motherhood. I promise it’s the best kind of hood to be in.