5 Ways to not Suck as a Husband from a Woman's Perspective
Okay, so I am by no means an expert on men. I have no idea how their brain works, what motivates them, or why they just can’t seem to put the toilet seat down. I don’t understand why they throw their dirty clothes in front of the hamper instead of in it or why locating simple items throughout the house proves to be their biggest daily challenge….Wait, where was I? I had a point to all of this. Oh, that’s right, the blog.
However, I do understand women. I understand how they think, what pushes them, and why most behave the way they do. God created man in His image, male and female He created them (Genesis 1:27). This means that God was masculine enough to make man, but feminine enough to create woman and He took great delight in creating us differently. So much delight, in fact, that in all of God’s creation, it was the only thing He described as “very good”. So it’s true, our brains and DNA are wired completely different and when we factor in other environmental, situational, and biological factors, the lack of understanding between sexes can be easily noted, however God absolutely intended for there to be a rich intimate companionship between the two. I hope that this week’s blog serves as a barrier to bridge the gap of misunderstanding between you and yours by breaking down the physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, and social ways women view men.
1. Spiritual. Let’s start with this one because to me, it’s the number one priority. We can break down and fix all the other issues associated with relationships, but if we do not get this right, nothing else will follow. It’s no secret that your relationship with God is the most important, so what exactly do women want to see out of their significant others when it comes to spirituality? Simple! We want vulnerability. In a culture and society that prides itself on toxic masculinity, women desire a man who isn’t afraid to be open and let the emotions out. As emotional creatures, women want to know what you’re feeling and when we have to question or guess those emotions, it doesn’t necessarily inspire us to follow because the path seems so uncertain. So don’t just tell us, but show us that you love God and communicate your passions and areas of interest. Talk with us about areas where you struggle and the issues you face as a man of God. A real woman can handle those issues, whatever they may be. Be unafraid to cry in His presence, to worship with zeal and to lavishly pour your heart out before Him, in whatever way that looks for you and wherever you feel the most alive with God. Women do not like a closed off, distant heart so be vulnerable and open with yours. If you want your lady to accompany you on your walk, then display signs of sincere actions along the path. We will not follow blindly.
2. Physical. Let’s be honest, women were not created to see or feel physically like men. We were created emotionally. Man was lonely, and God made us. This text tells us that God designed us to care for the inside of man first and foremost. Tending to his emotional well-being was literally wired within our DNA at creation. So, since men crave a physical connection because Adam wanted the physical presence of a thing, I’ll direct you to Phil for more in-depth talk on sex and marriage. You’re welcome, honey! For this section, allow me to do what women do best, and attend to your emotional well-being by talking about body image and physical attraction. Men, if you’re reading this, I want to you stop, pick up your phone, and delete every single piece of content that tells you that you have to look a certain way in order to be attractive. A REAL woman does not care if you are thin or heavy, hairy or shaved, tall or short, fluffy or muscular, bald or not bald. Yes, we have particular characteristics that we find attractive, but too much emphasis is placed on the outward appearance and not enough on the inward manifestation of fruit. I have personally witnessed men who have went to unhealthy measures to obtain a particular image, especially ones who have felt rejected or unloved due to an uninterested partner. You could physically be magazine worthy, but if the inside is left a mess and unattended to, that is the most unattractive thing you can present to a woman. So I proudly jump on board with the trend of normalizing the dad/mom bod because it promotes a message that we were all made differently and different is okay. In fact, different can be amazing. Men, be secure enough to embrace your different because I can assure you, not all women want the ripped Arnold who spends his evenings growling while throwing around 300 pound weights. We were sent here to be a companion. For us, enlightened sexual satisfaction comes from a fulfilling relationship where both parties are free to be themselves without the pressure to be something or someone else. So stand tall…or short. Honestly, your woman doesn’t care which one.
3. Social. There are many social behaviors within our culture that have had a negative impact on our society. Current social problems within America that involve families could be issues like divorce, family violence, working mothers and day cares, declining marriage rates, and so on. Today, I would like to discuss infidelity in marriage and how it can differ between the sexes. It is scientifically proven, men are more likely to have affairs than women because of their desire for more sex and attention. As previously discussed, men express love in a more physical way so if a man is not sexually satisfied or has a spouse who seems uninterested, this can lead to a lot of rejection. From this, we can note that more men cheat out of a feeling of insecurity than anything else. When women cheat, more often than not, it is to satisfy an emotional void that their partner is not fulfilling. If a partner is distance or uninterested, women typically feel unappreciated or unwanted and it’s possible they could seek the emotional intimacy of an extramarital relationship. Women will typically use affairs to obtain a transitional partner as a means to exit or end the current relationship. Men will typically use affairs as a means of attention seeking in hopes to improve their sex lives or to alleviate a primary feeling of dissatisfaction since men can sometimes lack the appropriate “feeling words” to communicate their insecurity. Affairs for both can simply be a method to protect egos and pride and improve self-worth after feelings of rejection. These explanations are basic and many other secondary reasons and factors could play into why an individual would cheat. Personally, Phil and I have had this conversation numerous times and as a woman, I will give the same advice to other men that I gave to him. First, I am a grown woman. If he ever reaches the point where he no longer desires to be with me, then he is allowed to just tell me. It’s that simple. I would rather face the heartache of watching him leave, then to face the shame and humiliation of knowing he ran to another woman. If we ever reach the point where one of us is ultimately just not satisfied and a resolution cannot be found, we have both agreed that we will maintain an open door policy. He is free to leave at any point and I would never dream of holding onto someone simply out of my fear or insecurity of being alone. Secondly and with this in mind, I will say that most, if not all, sex-related martial problems can be resolved with communication. Over the years, Phil and I have counseled many couples and you would amazed at how many do not communicate during sex or about sex at all. In most cases, there are have been zero discussions about likes and dislikes, must-try’s and will not consider, needs versus wants, emotional connections, body changes and aging, and so much more. As a woman, I would challenge any man to spark a conversation with your spouse and to not be afraid to be the first to fix the communication barriers that can lead to a complicated sex life. If necessary, it is okay to go to others who have a strong marriage for advice on how to overcome these obstacles, but make sure your spouse is aware you are seeking this advice or consider going together. It is only through honesty and open communication that America will see a social change in this area. It starts one home at a time, one couple at a time. It’s a conscious decision to fight for your marriage as long as your spouse is willing to fight with you.
4. Emotional. This topic is so easy for women, however, men struggle. Psychological research has proven that men can experience the same emotions that women do, however, social and cultural barriers prevent men from being able to express those emotions. Getting Phil to open up, at times, felt like pushing on a pull door. I knew he had the ability to connect emotionally, I just had to make him feel safe enough to do so. I also had to battle this very wonderful demon known as the male ego. You see, with the pressure to provide and prove, boys and men have constantly increasing expectations and goals. Then comes the added pressure that men put on themselves to match or achieve those expectations. Sometimes, this leads to very big failures and intense disappointment. When this is mixed with a culture that doesn’t allow men to be emotional, the male ego is birthed. Don’t cry. Don’t pout. Don’t complain. Be a man -- an emotionless, stubborn man. Young boys were taught that emotions were a sign of weakness so when the pressure hits, men have no source of outlet and often bury their feelings and remain emotionally confused, cold, and distant. While I understand that the male ego is a very real thing, I will spare you the advice to let it go. Because it’s impossible and I understand that. However, as a woman, allow me to speak to your emotional well-being to tell you that your wife does not EVER see you as a failure. If you failed to get the job promotion, all she sees is that you tried. If you failed to score the winning touchdown, all she sees is that you tried. If you were unable to fix the car or patch the wall, all she sees is that you tried. She is constantly watching and as long as there is effort, she is beaming with pride. She is your biggest supporter and your biggest fan. Feel safe enough to trust her with your emotions and maybe set aside your male ego just for a moment to show her your emotional side. I promise you’re in good hands and you won’t regret letting out all the junk that clutters your mind.
5. Financial. Last, but not least, the topic of money. This is important to discuss because the #1 reason for divorce in America is related to financial issues. This topic can be tricky, because women do have a desire to feel financial secure. In married couples, women tend to look toward the man to provide a sense of security and as men, you need to be careful that you do not blur lines on what’s really being requested. Because sometimes, when women say things like this, men take it as a commission to become a multi-billionaire and provide a life of luxury after luxury. So please, step back over the line and hear me out on this one. Yes, we desire financial security and yes, most women look to their husband to provide that, however, we never said we weren’t willing to build that life WITH you. Men can sometimes have an unhealthy expectation to obtain the American dream for their families and feel pressured to provide a “certain type of life”. However, if your wife is truly in your corner and I believe that she is, she will go hard after that life with you. She will not stand in the background making demands for you to work harder, but she will stand right beside you and be proud of the life that you two are building together as a team, whatever that life looks like. Whether it’s a pride issue, a need to achieve, or a feeling of inadequacy, let go of the expectation that it has to look like a certain type of life and be proud of the work you two are accomplishing. I know she is proud of you.
Well, that about sums it up folks. I hope this puts things into a better perspective and helps you see things from a woman’s point-of-view. As you go about your day today, remember, don’t suck, be great and go hard for your family. It is our greatest and most rewarding ministry.
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